Live and not Survive

It scares me…
It scares me that one day, I’d lose this innocence inside of me…
It scares me that one day I’d lose this compassion, this heart of mine that is so tender it breaks at the sight of the more unfortunate than I…
It scares me that one day all the evil in this world would just be too much for me,
That I’d just turn my back on every assaulted and battered and weak because I’ve had too much pain seeing them
It scares me that one day I’d see this world for what it is to other people, not for how it is with me
Because I see a world full of potential,
Of love, of care, of every good hidden by the thick miasma of evil
My eyes see through the dark veil and pierce the beauty of life;
Of the teary-eyed smiles of the people surrounding the newly wedded bride and groom,
Of the excitement felt by hearing a newborn cry for the first time,
Of the booming laugh of a father hearing his son say “Dada” for the first time,
Of the tears of a mother letting go of her daughter for the man she’ll love for the rest of her life,
Of the children crying, and begging their parents to never give up on them…
Of the smiles shared by strangers, the food given freely to the homeless, the hand offered to the old lady crossing a street…
Of the lovers whispering endearment under a sky full of stars, and the shouting of friends glad to see each other after a long time…
I see a lot of good in this world, and yet a lot of people focus on what isn’t.
I’m scared one day I’d be like them,
That I’d lost the luster in my eyes and just live without living…
What good does it do to live like that?
I’m scared…
I’d like to live life, not survive it.

A letter to you

My dearest friend,

I know it’s hard living in this world, even harder because you feel so alone despite the overwhelming number of people inhabiting this place. I know you keep to yourself at night when you feel so alone that even your friends couldn’t keep you away from that awful life-stealing depression that has come to be your constant companion. You get drunk in order to dull your senses, dull the pain that has gnawed your insides and left you empty, and that you drink again the next day to dull the physical pain of having downed too much alcohol, making it a never-ending cycle. If you don’t control yourself, it won’t be long before drugs would drop their sweet hello to you and you wouldn’t be able to refuse. They would become your sweetest companion, your new best friend that would gradually leave you far worse off than when you tried to deal with all the pain by yourself. Maybe you were bullied when you were young and the constant grief and humiliation that has piled up over the years have finally crushed the fortress your parents built around your self-esteem when you were young; or maybe there was no strong fortress in the first place because the people who were supposed to care for you, supposed to protect you, were actually the ones who abused you. Maybe it was a parental reminder when they first beat you but somehow over the years, it never stopped. They painted you black and blue and it was hideous but when you look into their eyes, you found that they find beauty in the masterpiece they have broken apart. And you took the beatings because you thought you deserved them, and then took some more because you love them, and when you wanted it to just stop, you just couldn’t. Because it has gone on for far too long that you couldn’t find it in you to raise the anger into something else and just stop them. Or maybe you took the beating for someone else, or maybe watched another took the beating for you. Maybe it was your mother who was abused, or maybe it was you who took the beating to spare your mother from the horrible pain. Whoever loved one it was that cried those river of tears at night, it was painful nonetheless and so you took the pain and made it your strength. You started beating a classmate because he hurt you one way or another and you found you’re stonger than him so you did, far too much than he deserved. You kicked him hard on the chest and relished the sudden diminishing of the pain inside you, and kicked him some more because you thought someone else should know how much you’re hurting inside too, and then more just because you can. Without knowing it, you’ve become the person you hated the most annd without realizing it, another one has taken your place and is now beginning to break because of you. No one should feel the pain I am feeling, you thought then but now you’re the one giving it. Because your principles have changed, and pain have changed it all. I know you’re hurting inside because you thought no one understands you. The confusion you felt in finally knowing this world, and the confusion of not knowing how to deal with it has left you searching blindly. And the pitiful approaches you made to get to know this world has made you stronger, but the mistakes you did has pained you. And so you hurt with each mistake until you decided you didn’t feel like hurting anymore so you stopped caring altogether.
But don’t you remember that there were those happy memories before? Each bitterness, each pain you take to heart blackens your soul, making you forget all those memories. Don’t ever forget your memories. The first A grade you had has earned you a toy, but it was the smile of your mother that you took to heart. The look of pride for having you has made your little heart swell so large it was almost painful but right that moment, you wouldn’t have minded anything at all because right that moment, you felt cherished. That one trip you took with your whole family… that one and only trip where all of you laughed at the same thing, ate the same food together… Even if you don’t remember what it was you talked about, or what it was you ate, that trip has made you believe that no matter how dysfunctional you thought your family was, you are a family altogether; that sometime before, two people have felt that great love wih each other and decided to build something wonderful together. And right that moment you witnessed it all, and you realized your family is great too after all. That I love you your grandparents said the day you visited them has almost brought tears to your eyes. How could your heart love so many people equally together all the time? And with such great love too. And it’s true that you love your grandparents too, like how you love your parents and your siblings. Your heart is great; don’t ruin it. Don’t let anybody ruin it. I know it’s hard living in this world and as you grow older, there will be more hardships to come. There will be those moments when all you could think about is give up; and then there will be those moments when all you know is how damp and bleak this world is, a cruel place to live in. As you grow older you’ll realize this world isn’t like a candy store filled with sweet and exciting lollipops, instead, this world is a market filled with people always trying to lure into taking what isn’t needed and let go of the things set aside for what matters. You’ll realize as you grow older that indeed this world is cruel, but you’ll also come to realize that this world isn’t all cruel. There are great things ahead of you, just past your sight for now. Don’t give up the chance to see those things because I promise, it will all be worth it. Let your good memories be the teaser for the greater things waiting ahead for you.

Love, Danna T.

P. S. If ever you’re feeling alone, remember there are many people out there who loves you. I love you. ×