A letter to you

My dearest friend,

I know it’s hard living in this world, even harder because you feel so alone despite the overwhelming number of people inhabiting this place. I know you keep to yourself at night when you feel so alone that even your friends couldn’t keep you away from that awful life-stealing depression that has come to be your constant companion. You get drunk in order to dull your senses, dull the pain that has gnawed your insides and left you empty, and that you drink again the next day to dull the physical pain of having downed too much alcohol, making it a never-ending cycle. If you don’t control yourself, it won’t be long before drugs would drop their sweet hello to you and you wouldn’t be able to refuse. They would become your sweetest companion, your new best friend that would gradually leave you far worse off than when you tried to deal with all the pain by yourself. Maybe you were bullied when you were young and the constant grief and humiliation that has piled up over the years have finally crushed the fortress your parents built around your self-esteem when you were young; or maybe there was no strong fortress in the first place because the people who were supposed to care for you, supposed to protect you, were actually the ones who abused you. Maybe it was a parental reminder when they first beat you but somehow over the years, it never stopped. They painted you black and blue and it was hideous but when you look into their eyes, you found that they find beauty in the masterpiece they have broken apart. And you took the beatings because you thought you deserved them, and then took some more because you love them, and when you wanted it to just stop, you just couldn’t. Because it has gone on for far too long that you couldn’t find it in you to raise the anger into something else and just stop them. Or maybe you took the beating for someone else, or maybe watched another took the beating for you. Maybe it was your mother who was abused, or maybe it was you who took the beating to spare your mother from the horrible pain. Whoever loved one it was that cried those river of tears at night, it was painful nonetheless and so you took the pain and made it your strength. You started beating a classmate because he hurt you one way or another and you found you’re stonger than him so you did, far too much than he deserved. You kicked him hard on the chest and relished the sudden diminishing of the pain inside you, and kicked him some more because you thought someone else should know how much you’re hurting inside too, and then more just because you can. Without knowing it, you’ve become the person you hated the most annd without realizing it, another one has taken your place and is now beginning to break because of you. No one should feel the pain I am feeling, you thought then but now you’re the one giving it. Because your principles have changed, and pain have changed it all. I know you’re hurting inside because you thought no one understands you. The confusion you felt in finally knowing this world, and the confusion of not knowing how to deal with it has left you searching blindly. And the pitiful approaches you made to get to know this world has made you stronger, but the mistakes you did has pained you. And so you hurt with each mistake until you decided you didn’t feel like hurting anymore so you stopped caring altogether.
But don’t you remember that there were those happy memories before? Each bitterness, each pain you take to heart blackens your soul, making you forget all those memories. Don’t ever forget your memories. The first A grade you had has earned you a toy, but it was the smile of your mother that you took to heart. The look of pride for having you has made your little heart swell so large it was almost painful but right that moment, you wouldn’t have minded anything at all because right that moment, you felt cherished. That one trip you took with your whole family… that one and only trip where all of you laughed at the same thing, ate the same food together… Even if you don’t remember what it was you talked about, or what it was you ate, that trip has made you believe that no matter how dysfunctional you thought your family was, you are a family altogether; that sometime before, two people have felt that great love wih each other and decided to build something wonderful together. And right that moment you witnessed it all, and you realized your family is great too after all. That I love you your grandparents said the day you visited them has almost brought tears to your eyes. How could your heart love so many people equally together all the time? And with such great love too. And it’s true that you love your grandparents too, like how you love your parents and your siblings. Your heart is great; don’t ruin it. Don’t let anybody ruin it. I know it’s hard living in this world and as you grow older, there will be more hardships to come. There will be those moments when all you could think about is give up; and then there will be those moments when all you know is how damp and bleak this world is, a cruel place to live in. As you grow older you’ll realize this world isn’t like a candy store filled with sweet and exciting lollipops, instead, this world is a market filled with people always trying to lure into taking what isn’t needed and let go of the things set aside for what matters. You’ll realize as you grow older that indeed this world is cruel, but you’ll also come to realize that this world isn’t all cruel. There are great things ahead of you, just past your sight for now. Don’t give up the chance to see those things because I promise, it will all be worth it. Let your good memories be the teaser for the greater things waiting ahead for you.

Love, Danna T.

P. S. If ever you’re feeling alone, remember there are many people out there who loves you. I love you. ×

This is what we call life

The things is, if you’re young and just beginning to discover the world around you, you think you already have it all figured out. You dream your way across the handful of miles you have uncovered, a smile spreading across your face with every step further. You love everything the world has to offer, but mostly you love the fact that a perfect stranger could mean so much to you. You think you have it all figured out because you’ve felt these emotions that were once just words on a book, a tickling of something inside your head that you so want to discover. Little did you know your idea of the world is so far from reality when in a glimpse, all that you’ve thought were once wonderful shatters into a thousand fragments of disappointment. Your heart bleeds from the pain that everyone causes you, your tears streaming in silent pleas for someone to understand you. You think no one understands, that no one cares, and your mind begins to wander into the abyss of desperation and depression, your once innocent mind beginning to contemplate the world beyond this painful existence. You try so hard to connect to other people, to know what it is that keeps you apart from them… To discover what it is that makes them smile when all you wanted to do was break down and cry because you feel so alone. So you try to reach out to the adults you call parents only to have them dismiss you like you don’t matter at all. They think a few bucks could ease the pain inside you but you only needed their embrace, you only needed the solace their arms could offer. Looking at their backs turned towards you as they live the life you feel you have no place into, you feel this great weight inside you, crushing your insides, turning everything inside you a dark empty hole of what you once were. You head back into the place that has offered you so much in the years of growing up, curl up in the corner and cry your heart out. How could this world be so cruel? You thought you have it all figured out but you discover you’re wrong, and now you wish not to know anymore. You form a plan inside your head to end the suffering because no one should be able to live through what you’re going through. You wish to end it all yourself now because no one else will, and frankly you think no one would care. Little did you know that there are more people suffering the same as you, their hearts breaking into a thousand pieces like you do. Little did you know that the people who smiled the brightest in your school have once been the victim of this pathetic place you call world. That the sweet smile they flash each other is the smile of understanding for having gone through what you’re going through now. You are not alone. There are plenty more people who suffers like you do, who have suffered like you do. Keep fighting the demons because we are all just here for you, waiting for you to win against this world and join us into living and discovering the world you knew as a child. Because like you, we have known the demons. We are still fighting them in the hopes that one day, they’d finally give up to let us have the life they almost took away from us. Like you, we are fighting alone for now, but not really alone because we have each other, no matter how many miles the gap between us. We are fighting and we will win… someday. Just don’t give up now. Don’t give up ever.