Playing Hard To Get Got Me Nothing At All

The first time I talked to him, we hit it off the way a friend hits it off with her friend’s boyfriend. We chatted about my friend Roly (not her name) at first but because I knew my friend was two timing him in a way that she didn’t really mean to (she was kind of forced on the decision of being with him after he threatened to never contact her ever again if she didn’t answer his call so she did because she doesn’t want him gone from her life although she already has a boyfriend), I tried talking only to him when absolutely needed (i.e.when he’s asking her whereabouts). 

The time they broke up, I wasn’t sad for my friend nor was I feeling any pity for Jared (not his name); they made a mess of things by committing prematurely while he doesn’t know her well and she still has a boyfriend. Nevertheless, I was there for them both, and soon realized Jared wasn’t really that into her and so was Roly and their relationship was thrown under the rugs as Roly tried to tell me to start dating him! 

Outrageous, I know, but by then I was getting to know him better and he was coming off quite flirty, asking me about my favorite male actors and telling me a friend once told him he looked just like that actor I mentioned, and although I didn’t appreciate his past with my friend and the way he’s moving on quite easily, I admit his not-so-subtle way of flirting with me was endearing. It was all that for me though, a way to entertain myself as I couldn’t possibly believe he’d go for me when his type is my friend-short, sexy, long smooth hair and wide, twinkly eyes- and I look quite the opposite. So as not to hurt myself, I didn’t do anything but talk to him, entertain him while entertaining myself, and soon we were bantering and I underestimated the power of humor and words for soon, I was smiling at the thought of him and realized I was already starting to like him. 

It was probably predictable the way things progressed between us- him flirting with me but dropping hints that he wouldn’t actually want to date again, soon only messaging when his wit reminds him of me while I grew even fonder of him and missed him when he didn’t text. I realized as the messages from him dwindled to not more than 10 detached messages every three days that I was looking quite pathetic, pining for a guy that once went for my friend (!) and so I forced myself to not reply to his messages when he did text and soon we’re nothing but a thread in an inbox. 

Five months ago he contacted me, saying he saw me somewhere and that we should probably go out sometime, as friends of course, and that we should bring our other mutual friends too. We didn’t get to going out though but we did start talking again. By that time I was clear on the realization that he really wouldn’t date me as he said he wouldn’t want to mess our friendship, and he asked me things about my other friends, about who could possibly be single at the moment and whether I thought that particular girl was nice enough for him. To say I wasn’t hurt that he would be asking me of those was a lie but I gritted my teeth and forced the hurt down and told him that a particular friend of mine would be good for him, but he should be good to her too as she was new to all relationship stuff, and at first he pretended he would think about it but I knew him well by then that even in his silence, I knew he was planning on the ways to getting to know Kris (not her name) and possibly making her his. He did told me though that he would be the one to tell me when or if they got together and I thought whatever, because I really wouldn’t want to know if that did happen.

A month ago, a messaged pinged on my Messenger, and it was from him. The message said:

Attorney, we’re together. 

[He called me Attorney because I once told him I wanted to be a lawyer, and I called him Sir, because he said that he wanted to be a lawyer too but that we shouldn’t have the same profession (something about me being smarter than him in his opinion, so he’d rather not go against me academically) so he’ll rather be a teacher instead. ]

I didn’t know how to respond to his message. I stared at it for minutes, the stark one-liner staring back at me. I lifted my fingers, typed a message and loaded it with congratulatory emojis and turned off my phone. The hurt inside me was confusing in a way that I believe is unwarranted. I haven’t been talking to him for months and I expected the silence to go on forever, his promise of telling me hopefully forgotten. But he didn’t forgot, and the bastard fulfilled his promise and I was hurt beyond explanation because I thought I was just liking him in a way that could be easily forgotten.  I was mad to think so though because nothing emotional ever comes lightly to me. And he fulfilled his promise! And I should be glad that he at least had the decency to fulfill said promise but I wished he was one of those bastards who forgot simple promises like that but of course he wasn’t. 

And so my unrequited love ends here, and wished I wasn’t so stupid as to play hard to get and told myself he couldn’t actually like me, distancing myself but coming up short, chastising myself for starting to like him because he wouldn’t ever fall for an ugly girl like me when in reality I was just afraid of the judgments inside my own head. 

This sucks. 

I Wonder Of Love

In all my topics of love and love lost, of heartbreak and despair, I have actually yet to feel the real emotions behind those words I find so enthralling that I imagine I know them; like a painter knowing its masterpiece even before he makes it. I only know of love in the varied books and quotations I purge in, in the whispered endearments of my friends to their lovers and consequently of their heated arguments; every bit of love surrounding me I inhale so deeply that I almost feel it thrum inside me. In all of my lackadaisical ponderings and wishful thinking of the romance that is yet to come to me, I never really noticed that my friends were starting to worry about me. Twenty-one is an early age, I say. Too early for the romance that I wish I could have. Twenty-one is the right age to start getting to know your likes and dislikes, they say, and I look at them with wonder. Of course it is of no shock to me that they’d tell me that knowing that they have had various boyfriends over the course of their teenage years, and maybe they just want me to learn early so I wouldn’t be too hard on myself when I finally meet the guy I would like to spend my days with, but the point is, is it really alright for me to go on dates with guys that shows no interest to me and I to him? And am I not too young for romance? I admit I feel the urge sometime, the desire to belong to someone in ways that makes a person feel good, the wanting to be in to the greatest secret in the universe. How doe it feel like to know that no matter how hard your day will be, there’d always be that person who’s willing to change it all for you? To go out without worrying you’d have no one to accompany you, to sleep with the knowledge that you are loved. These things, they make me want to give in sometimes, but I feel like love should be this great one-of-a-kind thing and I am willing to spend a little more time alone if only for the knowledge that I am already romantacizing the great romance that is yet to come to me.

Crushing Hard

So, on a totally lighter manner and absolutely off tangent, off key, off course subject and note than I usually write, I think I am having a crush. An absurdly light and random crush for this guy at the Laboratory. I have recently noticed that the guy has taken to greeting me whenever we pass each other, or whenever he comes to an area to which I was assigned. (Note: I am a Nurse at a Provincial Hospital in our place). Of course it could TOTALLY be out of respect or the guy could just be polite, courteous or well-bred but I think (or maybe I wish? Ha) that he likes me. What backs my suspicions too is that when he called on our (my hospital area) phone line one time expecting to talk to my senior but instead being inadvertently ambushed by me, he stuttered so much that I had to repeat his words whenever he paused. After the phone call, I grinned like a maniac and has randomly laughed to myself, remembering his cute stutters. So, does he like me or am I just projecting my crush for him? Penny for your thoughts.

xoxo, Danna

Love Like a Fool

You make me a fool for loving you; the way you mark me with words, carving crevices deep into my buried heart of stone. The way you own me by burrowing under my skin, deep into the soul I never thought would feel love at all. Being a fool for you is all worth it.

Because She Was Gone

He was walking aimlessly; I walk an empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams goes his background music inside his head. It was on replay, that particular sentence to be exact, since he found it fitting for his situation. He was traversing the road where it all began and although it wasn’t empty like the song, he sure did feel like one as the memories go by and the dreams slowly shatter to pieces. I was supposed to make it all work out this time, he thought with regretful reminiscence of what passed as the best connection he ever felt with another human. The wind blew, a scent of Jovān White Musk wifting pass his nostrils and he came to a halt. He knew that smell well- the scent he has been waking up to for three years of his life, the one that has always made him smile and reach across the bed towards its owner and yet, he couldn’t quite look up and search for the person wearing that scent now. Someone cleared her throat and his knees trembled; he knew that throat-clearing like his own, catching his attention whenever he drifts off to where his mind automatically shuts down to and dumbly focuses on a certain part of her- her lashes long enough to cause envy to all women, her lips plump and red as cherries, her nose that challenged the right-angled ruler; she was a goddess sent to give him absolution and yet, he lost her. And now here she was, clearing her throat, wanting his attention when he was afraid it was all just a dream.
“How are you?” She asked, and he heard the uncertainty behind her voice, as if she was not quite sure what she was doing. How could she have graced him her presence once more when he doesn’t deserve it?
“Um,” she paused, unsure, waiting. “Er, it’ll be Amma’s birthday on the 20th and you know how much she adores you…” she trailed off, and that action was painful enough, like she was even unsure if her Amma really did adore him, that he raised his head and looked her in the eyes. She was looking at him with uncertainty clear on her eyes, possibly worry, or doubt, or anxiety mixing up the hues of her bright greenish-blue iris. She looked like she wanted to run away from him as fast as she can, but also she looked like she wanted to reach out and ask him what was wrong. And that would be the stupidest question she would’ve asked because right now, everything was wrong.
“Are you-” pause. “Will you come to Amma’s birthday? Please? For Amma?”
And he looked at her with increasing intensity, trying to imprint her face in his mind, as unworthy as he is to be graced her presence. He didn’t answer her question; he couldn’t waste a single nanosecond when he knew this might possibly be the last time he has to look at her. Even when she grew uneasy to his scrutiny, he didn’t waver. He looked at her as she waited for an answer, and looked at her when he fidgeted on her toes, uneasy, and looked at her more when she smiled awkwardly for the last time, and looked at her last when she turned and retreated, her silhouette vanishing, mingling with the bodies busily roaming the streets. That’s when his voice broke through, a whisper-sob that escaped his unworthy lips and he murmured I’m sorry.

Are You Brave Enough To Ride?

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Everyone who wishes to ride knows and understands the risks. The management is not held liable for any accidental brushes, electricity zaps from fingertips or elsewhere where skin contact is unavoidable, direct eye contacts, fleeting smiles, adorable smirks, hestitating hellos, awkward startup conversations. Nor is the management held accountable for the endless texts, late night calls, annoying hourly check-ins, growing frustration, ignoring calls, avoiding meetings, demanding explanations, and pent up sighs. The management further advises that a full-blown screaming match may occur at least once and may result to either resolution or break up. Thank you.

The Guy

He was like a dream long forgotten,
  surfacing at the moment, skirting my ever clouded mind.
He was like an old song sung-
on birthdays, and weddings, and every happy occasion there is to celebrate because-
He is the book I read at night,
That lulls me to sleep and keeps the nightmares at bay.
He is the melody that pervades my mind,
An earworm stuck but still couldn’t help replay.
He is the pillow I hug when scared,
Or alone and lonely or just when I want to get cozy.
He is the life I breathe and love,
Who shows me to cherish everyone dearly.
And so he will forever be the beautiful person who saw in me,
A person worth loving and worth showing what every day is like-
With love and hope and trust beaming all over everywhere at once.

A letter to you

My dearest friend,

I know it’s hard living in this world, even harder because you feel so alone despite the overwhelming number of people inhabiting this place. I know you keep to yourself at night when you feel so alone that even your friends couldn’t keep you away from that awful life-stealing depression that has come to be your constant companion. You get drunk in order to dull your senses, dull the pain that has gnawed your insides and left you empty, and that you drink again the next day to dull the physical pain of having downed too much alcohol, making it a never-ending cycle. If you don’t control yourself, it won’t be long before drugs would drop their sweet hello to you and you wouldn’t be able to refuse. They would become your sweetest companion, your new best friend that would gradually leave you far worse off than when you tried to deal with all the pain by yourself. Maybe you were bullied when you were young and the constant grief and humiliation that has piled up over the years have finally crushed the fortress your parents built around your self-esteem when you were young; or maybe there was no strong fortress in the first place because the people who were supposed to care for you, supposed to protect you, were actually the ones who abused you. Maybe it was a parental reminder when they first beat you but somehow over the years, it never stopped. They painted you black and blue and it was hideous but when you look into their eyes, you found that they find beauty in the masterpiece they have broken apart. And you took the beatings because you thought you deserved them, and then took some more because you love them, and when you wanted it to just stop, you just couldn’t. Because it has gone on for far too long that you couldn’t find it in you to raise the anger into something else and just stop them. Or maybe you took the beating for someone else, or maybe watched another took the beating for you. Maybe it was your mother who was abused, or maybe it was you who took the beating to spare your mother from the horrible pain. Whoever loved one it was that cried those river of tears at night, it was painful nonetheless and so you took the pain and made it your strength. You started beating a classmate because he hurt you one way or another and you found you’re stonger than him so you did, far too much than he deserved. You kicked him hard on the chest and relished the sudden diminishing of the pain inside you, and kicked him some more because you thought someone else should know how much you’re hurting inside too, and then more just because you can. Without knowing it, you’ve become the person you hated the most annd without realizing it, another one has taken your place and is now beginning to break because of you. No one should feel the pain I am feeling, you thought then but now you’re the one giving it. Because your principles have changed, and pain have changed it all. I know you’re hurting inside because you thought no one understands you. The confusion you felt in finally knowing this world, and the confusion of not knowing how to deal with it has left you searching blindly. And the pitiful approaches you made to get to know this world has made you stronger, but the mistakes you did has pained you. And so you hurt with each mistake until you decided you didn’t feel like hurting anymore so you stopped caring altogether.
But don’t you remember that there were those happy memories before? Each bitterness, each pain you take to heart blackens your soul, making you forget all those memories. Don’t ever forget your memories. The first A grade you had has earned you a toy, but it was the smile of your mother that you took to heart. The look of pride for having you has made your little heart swell so large it was almost painful but right that moment, you wouldn’t have minded anything at all because right that moment, you felt cherished. That one trip you took with your whole family… that one and only trip where all of you laughed at the same thing, ate the same food together… Even if you don’t remember what it was you talked about, or what it was you ate, that trip has made you believe that no matter how dysfunctional you thought your family was, you are a family altogether; that sometime before, two people have felt that great love wih each other and decided to build something wonderful together. And right that moment you witnessed it all, and you realized your family is great too after all. That I love you your grandparents said the day you visited them has almost brought tears to your eyes. How could your heart love so many people equally together all the time? And with such great love too. And it’s true that you love your grandparents too, like how you love your parents and your siblings. Your heart is great; don’t ruin it. Don’t let anybody ruin it. I know it’s hard living in this world and as you grow older, there will be more hardships to come. There will be those moments when all you could think about is give up; and then there will be those moments when all you know is how damp and bleak this world is, a cruel place to live in. As you grow older you’ll realize this world isn’t like a candy store filled with sweet and exciting lollipops, instead, this world is a market filled with people always trying to lure into taking what isn’t needed and let go of the things set aside for what matters. You’ll realize as you grow older that indeed this world is cruel, but you’ll also come to realize that this world isn’t all cruel. There are great things ahead of you, just past your sight for now. Don’t give up the chance to see those things because I promise, it will all be worth it. Let your good memories be the teaser for the greater things waiting ahead for you.

Love, Danna T.

P. S. If ever you’re feeling alone, remember there are many people out there who loves you. I love you. ×