Playing Hard To Get Got Me Nothing At All

The first time I talked to him, we hit it off the way a friend hits it off with her friend’s boyfriend. We chatted about my friend Roly (not her name) at first but because I knew my friend was two timing him in a way that she didn’t really mean to (she was kind of forced on the decision of being with him after he threatened to never contact her ever again if she didn’t answer his call so she did because she doesn’t want him gone from her life although she already has a boyfriend), I tried talking only to him when absolutely needed (i.e.when he’s asking her whereabouts). 

The time they broke up, I wasn’t sad for my friend nor was I feeling any pity for Jared (not his name); they made a mess of things by committing prematurely while he doesn’t know her well and she still has a boyfriend. Nevertheless, I was there for them both, and soon realized Jared wasn’t really that into her and so was Roly and their relationship was thrown under the rugs as Roly tried to tell me to start dating him! 

Outrageous, I know, but by then I was getting to know him better and he was coming off quite flirty, asking me about my favorite male actors and telling me a friend once told him he looked just like that actor I mentioned, and although I didn’t appreciate his past with my friend and the way he’s moving on quite easily, I admit his not-so-subtle way of flirting with me was endearing. It was all that for me though, a way to entertain myself as I couldn’t possibly believe he’d go for me when his type is my friend-short, sexy, long smooth hair and wide, twinkly eyes- and I look quite the opposite. So as not to hurt myself, I didn’t do anything but talk to him, entertain him while entertaining myself, and soon we were bantering and I underestimated the power of humor and words for soon, I was smiling at the thought of him and realized I was already starting to like him. 

It was probably predictable the way things progressed between us- him flirting with me but dropping hints that he wouldn’t actually want to date again, soon only messaging when his wit reminds him of me while I grew even fonder of him and missed him when he didn’t text. I realized as the messages from him dwindled to not more than 10 detached messages every three days that I was looking quite pathetic, pining for a guy that once went for my friend (!) and so I forced myself to not reply to his messages when he did text and soon we’re nothing but a thread in an inbox. 

Five months ago he contacted me, saying he saw me somewhere and that we should probably go out sometime, as friends of course, and that we should bring our other mutual friends too. We didn’t get to going out though but we did start talking again. By that time I was clear on the realization that he really wouldn’t date me as he said he wouldn’t want to mess our friendship, and he asked me things about my other friends, about who could possibly be single at the moment and whether I thought that particular girl was nice enough for him. To say I wasn’t hurt that he would be asking me of those was a lie but I gritted my teeth and forced the hurt down and told him that a particular friend of mine would be good for him, but he should be good to her too as she was new to all relationship stuff, and at first he pretended he would think about it but I knew him well by then that even in his silence, I knew he was planning on the ways to getting to know Kris (not her name) and possibly making her his. He did told me though that he would be the one to tell me when or if they got together and I thought whatever, because I really wouldn’t want to know if that did happen.

A month ago, a messaged pinged on my Messenger, and it was from him. The message said:

Attorney, we’re together. 

[He called me Attorney because I once told him I wanted to be a lawyer, and I called him Sir, because he said that he wanted to be a lawyer too but that we shouldn’t have the same profession (something about me being smarter than him in his opinion, so he’d rather not go against me academically) so he’ll rather be a teacher instead. ]

I didn’t know how to respond to his message. I stared at it for minutes, the stark one-liner staring back at me. I lifted my fingers, typed a message and loaded it with congratulatory emojis and turned off my phone. The hurt inside me was confusing in a way that I believe is unwarranted. I haven’t been talking to him for months and I expected the silence to go on forever, his promise of telling me hopefully forgotten. But he didn’t forgot, and the bastard fulfilled his promise and I was hurt beyond explanation because I thought I was just liking him in a way that could be easily forgotten.  I was mad to think so though because nothing emotional ever comes lightly to me. And he fulfilled his promise! And I should be glad that he at least had the decency to fulfill said promise but I wished he was one of those bastards who forgot simple promises like that but of course he wasn’t. 

And so my unrequited love ends here, and wished I wasn’t so stupid as to play hard to get and told myself he couldn’t actually like me, distancing myself but coming up short, chastising myself for starting to like him because he wouldn’t ever fall for an ugly girl like me when in reality I was just afraid of the judgments inside my own head. 

This sucks. 

Crushing Hard

So, on a totally lighter manner and absolutely off tangent, off key, off course subject and note than I usually write, I think I am having a crush. An absurdly light and random crush for this guy at the Laboratory. I have recently noticed that the guy has taken to greeting me whenever we pass each other, or whenever he comes to an area to which I was assigned. (Note: I am a Nurse at a Provincial Hospital in our place). Of course it could TOTALLY be out of respect or the guy could just be polite, courteous or well-bred but I think (or maybe I wish? Ha) that he likes me. What backs my suspicions too is that when he called on our (my hospital area) phone line one time expecting to talk to my senior but instead being inadvertently ambushed by me, he stuttered so much that I had to repeat his words whenever he paused. After the phone call, I grinned like a maniac and has randomly laughed to myself, remembering his cute stutters. So, does he like me or am I just projecting my crush for him? Penny for your thoughts.

xoxo, Danna