I am a selfish person.

I have recently found out that my younger brother has gotten a girlfriend and a surge of jealousy ripped through me. I have no right to deny him of a love life but I don’t want to give him away. In my mind I am thinking that while I’m away toiling alone on this distant land, my family has moved on without me and it saddens me. I don’t want anybody, not even my brother’s girlfriend, to be invading my family’s photos and dinners while I watch with helpless envy thousands of miles away. 

I just realized that the key to living is the absurdly strong courage of never giving up. I’ve seen intubated patients recover and later on breathed and talked on their own accord by their sheer determination. I’ve seen amputated patients walk. I’ve witnessed people come back to life after being in the brink of death for long that their loved ones have started letting them go, tears running down their face, their bodies wrecked with grief. I’ve seen the beginning of life and the end of it, and I’ve only realized what makes people live life even with its endless loops of shit and happiness, is that courage in finding that better streak, that sliver of light, that one shot at happiness and being able to say I’ve made it. This inate competitiveness, this wanting to beat life from its own game, this is the drive most people go by unknowingly.

-early morning thoughts that don’t usually make sense| 121916

Solar Power Plant

Goal: make Laoag City a solar-powered community.

Objective: Propose a plan to make Laoag City/ Ilocos Norte a solar-powered city. 

Steps:

  1. Research about the amount Ilocanos pay for electricity each year.
  2. Research the cost of solar power panels.
  3. Research the solar power storage.
  4. Research the cost of fiber glass/ tough glass or any transparent material that absorbs heat.
  5. Balance the amount of payment of Ilocanos gor electricity every year and the amount of solar power panels.
  6. Make a plan to make each government establishments run on solar power first.
  7. Make bridges solar powered by layering the solar power panels with glass etc. Starting with mini bridges/walkways/plaza.
  8. Make city lights solar-powered.
  9. Make houses solar-powered.

The city will be the first to have free electricity.

I have been going back and forth over my decision of going overseas and my imminent departure and as much as I have talked to friends, asking them for reassurance or merely ranting about mt impulsiveness over such a major decision, I still can’t reach the final conclusion. To tell that I am confused is probably the greatest understatement of the year. 

Why did I have to rush this decision, insisting that I WANT TO GO ABROAD, only to find out I actually don’t want to?

Steps:

  1. MMSU (prepare LONG BROWN ENVELOPE)

(Photocopy TOR, Diploma, RLE)

  • Go to Registrars and ask to file for Red Ribbon. Fill out CAV form.
  • Go pay the authentication fee for TOR, Diploma and RLE at the Cashiers.
  • Go to CHS and ask for authentication of RLE at Dean’s Office.
  • Put authenticated RLE, TOR, Diploma and CAV form inside LBE.
  • Pass to the Registrars and wait for sealing.

2. PRC

Photocopy ID, Board Certificate

  • Ask to get a Board Rating and Board Passing at the Information.
  • Ask also to file for authentication of Rating, Passing, Certificate, and ID.
  • present form at the Cashiers and pay amt.
  • Present ID and Board Certificate to be stamped at the office near the Gate.
  • Go to designated Gate, present form, stamped docs along with receipt and wait.
  • Meanwhile, go to 5th floor and present form and receipt for procurement of Board Rating and Passing. Wait for documents.
  • Go get documents after said waiting time is over at the Gate for Certificate and ID.
  • Go photocopy the procured Rating and Passing, go to stamping section.
  • Present stamped Rating and Passing, along with form and Receipt at 5th floor. Wait for documents.

3. DFA

NSO, Civil Registrars/Municipal Birth CCertificate

  • Go to the Authentication office. Fill out forms.
  • Go to processing and present documents namely: NSO with MBC, B. Rating, B. Passing, B. Certificate, PRC ID, Sealed envelope from MMSU
  • Pay at the Cashiers
  • Present receipt back at the Processing and wait for instructions.
  • Claim document the next day or as instructed, check if documents have been properly tied with the Red Ribbon then proceed at the DHL section.
  • Fill out forms. Wait for your turn. Pay desired amt. Done.

The Heart of a Nurse

What pains me so much as a nurse is to see my patients reduced to mere bodies, riddled with diseases, fighting for dear life while there are people outside who get to spend their lives in careless abandonment. I look at the 90 year old male with Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome and think to myself that that person never knew he would be confined to a bed, his own body rendering him incapable of even the most effortless activity such as breathing. He probably spent his youth gallivanting across towns and now his mind is probably the only thing roaming around, trying desperately to escape the four walls that has cornered him for the past month. I see the mother of a 7 year old, weak and unable to even move to her side, pining for her dear son to visit him when she should be the one visiting him to his games or sending him off to school. Her cancerous body defeating her slowly, her mind struggling to will her body to health, all for her dear son not to grow old without her. I see the old woman on her death bed, her soul finally resting after a hundred years on Earth, her family grieving for the loss they never thought

Why Did I Ever Think I Could Make A Difference?

I have always hated darkness, thus my overhead lights always shining down on me throughout the night, but lately, I’ve been hating nights in particular. Silent nights. Cold, psithurism-filled nights. Nights when the only sound you could hear is your own breathing, erratic with fear and something else. Lately, there’s been a churning inside my stomach; deep, gnawing, heartburn-like pain that gets lodged in my throat. It’s painful, and I always want to break down and cry but I can’t. I have to be strong because of my baby brother, and because I feel laden with guilt that I believe I have no right to feel sad at the turn of events.
My parents fought again, and although I know fights are supposed to be healthy in marriage, I can’t help to think otherwise. I hear the screaming, the furnitures getting toppled over, things getting broken- the vicious process of them trying to beat each other senseless with words before they succumb to physical torture. I have been hearing these hatred-filled war ever since I could remember and now that I’m older, I could only hear so much before I scream at them stop. And they stopped, and my mom left, and I’m left to take care of my 18 month old brother with this guilt inside of me, trying desperately not to let the tears escape as my brother cried for our mother at night while he sleeps, or upon seeing him run to the door at the sound of a vehicle outside our home. It is at night that the guilt gets so overwhelming that I don’t know what else to do aside from pray that this night, please let my brother sleep through this night. And when the house is asleep and I’m left to my thoughts, the guilt engulfs me that I do nothing but toss and pray, and look out the window and stand, and do everything in my will not to let the silence get to me, not to let the guilt take over my whole being.

NADA

I was sad for a long time. I thought it was about my life, how boring and predictable the days went. I attributed it to anything but me but in the end, even after all the miles I’ve put behind and the experiences I’ve earned in living alone, I am still lonely. I never thought it was me who was broken but the days are growing dimmer, the future getting bleaker. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore; all I know is that I’m discontented and unhappy. I don’t even have anyone to share these feelings with. I hope there won’t come a day that I will just give up on everything.

Letting Go

People kept telling me it’s okay, I don’t have a fault at what happened, that I did what was required of me, that Baba is finally free of his illnesses. I couldn’t let go of the guilt and blame even when everyone including his son told me that it’s not my problem anymore; that I shouldn’t cry anymore. So for one last time yesterday I went back to his home and the beach he was so fond of. I wished to walk him in early morning sunlight but I never got to do that, nor did he live long enough to reach Winter so we could freely roam outside on times he wanted to go out. Shame for these regrets. . . When I went back to his room it was pitch dark and I couldn’t get myself to enter. I waited for his sitter and we both entered and I saw everything stripped. His bed was bare to its metal core, his shelves and cabinets empty of his belongings. I saw his wheelchair and wheeled it one last time, his last moment of sitting stuck in it when he wanted to stand and walk was over. Now he could go and roam the beach on his own. I’d like to believe he’s just out there enjoying what he’s been deprived of, what I thought he could do in five months time. Walking and running. He used to do those a lot, enjoying every bang of doors forcibly closed as he went from one place to another. I hope he’s still smiling and laughing at everything that comes his way, and more than anything, I hope he’s at peace.

Going Home

Remember the time when I used to worry about living for two years in this foreign country, alone for the first time in my 21 years of existence? Ten months in and now I’m worrying about a different problem. What if I go home in the Philippines and it doesn’t feel like home anymore? What if I am not contented of the simple life there anymore? What if I will continue to search for the independence that I would have mastered in my 2 years here, and my going home would drive me insane with the wanting to get out and live freely? I should have known that by the passage of time, thinga are meant to change also. I shouldn’t have been too brazen with my words, fueled by loneliness and homesickness. Now I’m feeling all torn and I could only write about it.